5 Ways To Fake That

Did you ever stuff your bra? I am not talking padding…I am talking full on toilet paper wads crumbled in your teeny tiny training bra.  Well friends- I would go from a 0 cup to a very un-even C (possibly D) cup in a matter of just making a trip to the restroom… it was a talent really. I specifically remember doing this at Sunday School and my friends were in awe of how I could grow so quickly, it was like magic. Of course, I would always tell them that my crumbled up disaster was a totally natural thing in the 3rd grade. Well that ended when my tissue boobs fell onto the floor in front of my mom….busted. How she did not notice before, I don’t know. Maybe it was because she had 5 other kids to worry about.  Either way, (and I am not saying this is a good thing) I knew how to Fake It young.


Fake Those Full Lips

While I am in the mood to divulge information- I have had injection in my lips a few times (who’s counting anyways?). One time though- I stupidly did it the day before Thanksgiving, who does that? That was a bad move; let’s just say I had very bruised and swollen lips that made me look and talk like Ducky. Whoever Ducky is.  Oh- and my entire extended family were there and probably felt a bit bad for parents because their daughter and grown up to be a total weirdo.  So, if you don’t want to venture into the world of injectables like Juvederm , here is a trick.

  1. Take a lip-liner that looks good with your skin tone and line you lips staying away from going above your natural lip line to avoid looking kind of freaky.
  2. Then take a slightly lighter shade that also goes well with your skin tone and apply it under that lip line but making sure to blend the two by smudging the liner downwards into the lipstick.
  3. Now take your concealer that is hopefully even lighter, or perhaps a light shadow…or lighter lipstick and add a tiny bit into the center of the lower lip. Then take a shimmery shadow (no sparkle) and add a touch right above the dip in your upper lip and under the center of your bottom lip.

Fake That Slim Face

Now- clearly my face is not a full face, but I just wanted to out-line for you the places that need to be contoured for a full face. It’s really not that difficult, just do the instruction below in the grey areas I out-lined.

  1. Once you have applied your foundation, use a non-shimmery and completely matte bronzer that as 3-4 shades darker than your skin. You could also use a foundation too that is darker, but I find that the powder is easier for every day use.
  2. Apply the powder/foundation right underneath your cheekbones (suck in your cheeks if you can’t find them), along your jaw making sure to skip your chin and along your temples.  If you carry weight in your neck too, you can add the bronzer to the sides of your neck, starting from the bottom of your ear and straight down to your collarbone.

 Fake That Straight Nose

This can be tricky- my nose is not exactly straight…and I recall getting called “crane-nose” as a kid from some “super sweet” neighborhood boys. I can laugh about this now folks, but I was mortified then and have since always been a wee bit self conscious of my nose. But, I am not going to get plastic surgery on my nose for fear of pulling a Michael Jackson move where you end up with a stub that I’m pretty sure was hard to breath out of. So here are the tricks.

  1. Use a bronzing or contouring powder that is 3-4 shades darker than your natural skin color.  Also, make sure to have a highlighter as well, something lighter than your natural skin tone. You want to apply this with a very small blender brush so you can have more control.
  2. Start by lightly adding the bronzing powder to the sides of your nose in a straight line, the closer they are together, the skinnier and straighter your nose will look. You can also add some to the tip of you nose lightly so you don’t look like a brown noser…(I am probably laughing by myself).  Then take the highlighter and place it right in-between those two straight lines, and you are finished.

 Fake That Glow

Let me tell you something, whoever came up with the term “Pregnancy Glow” was straight up lying to their friend to make them feel better about how disgusting they were looking. There is noooo pregnancy glow when you are puking your guts out, bursting blood vessels, have hair that looks like a bomb went off in it and a ninja child kicking your insides towards the end keeping you up all night.  Thank the Lord the sickness is usually just the first trimester (crossing my fingers)…but seriously…pregnancy glow? Ummm….no.  It’s  a pretty term though. So if you don’t got it naturally, let me show you how to get it.

  1. Skin care is so, so, so important. I have a friend (I won’t say who but you know who you are) who just admitted to me that she hasn’t washed her face at night in 2 months. Hmmm….ummm…yeah, nope I can’t even respond. I did however make her use my face wash and do it in front of me…I am a good friend.
  2. Exfoliate your skin regularly; my favorite is with a Papaya Enzyme Mask that you can get at Whole Foods or through June Jacobs. Also make sure to moisturize!
  3. Once you have applied your foundation, use a highlighter above your cheekbones so you can get that dewy fresh look, then just add some bronzer to were the sun would naturally hit. The key to glowing skin is to not have too much foundation on…just keep your skin natural but make sure to hide blemishes.

 Fake Big Eyes

Okay if you have smaller eyes you will be happy, as this is an easy one that will take like 5 seconds to explain but have a big pay off. Just use the instructions below and follow where I put the grey on the picture.

  1. Use a white eyeliner pencil and trace the waterline of your eye. Then use a shimmery shadow and place it into your tear duct and walla…bigger looking eyes.



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1 Comment

  • I just decided your the funniest person I know….seriously love you & you had me rollin! Also mad props for the prego “no glow pic”  The other pic. is like the most beautiful pic of you! Your makeup is flawless! And I have no idea what “Crane nose” is but you don’t have it…you have the most perfect , tinny nose EVER!!!! Love you!

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