How I Failed at Parenting (According to my Pre-Parent Self)

According to my pre-parent self, I have failed at this parenting thing pretty hard and have already had tons of motherhood fails.  We all did it before we had kids, judged other parents for being awful at parenting. It’s so easy to say what you will and won’t do as a parent when you aren’t one yet. I only know from experience. I will also admit that I was a pretty annoying pre-parent with all of my “know it all” thoughts and opinions. So, with that said, here are thirty ways I failed at parenting according to my pre-parent self.

 (Clothing details: This Helmut Lang zip up black sweater is the comfiest sweater I have ever owned. I love j-brand high-rise jeans because they suck in my left-over post pregnancy tummy. And- these steve madden ankle boots (similar) go with every outfit.)

1) I didn’t let my kids cry it out.

Pre-Kid Thoughts: “Umm, my kids are totally going to cry it out. It’s so annoying how she keeps getting up to rock her baby. Can she like, sit and have a conversation without getting back up every 5 minutes?? How rude. Why did I even come over here? I have boy problems. It’s 1997 and social media like Twitter doesn’t exist yet so I can’t blast it to everyone that my relational life is a wreck. My problems are way bigger than needing a diaper change, trust me. When I am a mom, and my hypothetical child is crying in their crib, and I am having a conversation with my friend, or just trying to relax, my kid will self-soothe. Mom’s these days are such enablers.”

2) I let my kids cry it out

Pre-Kid Thoughts: “When I have a child, I will NEVER let it cry it out. How neglectful. I don’t care if I am living on two hours of sleep for three months straight. I will always, always, always…get up. Do these mom’s even know what this is doing to their kids mental health? Even me, a 20-year-old without kids, knows this isn’t right.”

3) I co-slept

Pre-Kid Thoughts:” I think it’s disgusting that anyone would sleep with their baby and their husband at the same time. Gross. I don’t care if I have to get up 15 times a night and walk from one end of the house to the other to feed the baby; I will never co-sleep. I mean, I know that I have more energy than these moms because I am only 10, but still. Gross.”

4) I didn’t co-sleep

Pre-Kid Thoughts: “I mean, what’s the big deal? I will totally let my kids sleep in my bed with me. It will be the sweetest family time ever. I don’t care if I get ninja kicked in the back half a million times throughout the night. I am already getting ninja kicked throughout the night…I am 9 months prego. Sleep is over-rated, and I think all moms are exaggerating how tired they are anyways. Honestly, it’s kind of annoying how much they talk about how tired they are. Get some freaking coffee and stop complaining so much. (Make sure to pump and dump though).”

5) I got angry at my kids…in a store

Pre-Kid Thoughts: I can’t believe that mom raised her voice at her kids in the store. What a terrible mom. What a terrible human just in general. As a twenty-two-year-old without kids, even I know that’s just bad parenting. If this mom can raise her voice at her screaming kid in Target, what is she doing to that poor kid at home? I am calling CPS. ”

6) I let my kids rule me at the store

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “ Why can’t that mom get her kids under control (insert eye roll and scoffing sound)? Like, seriously… my future children will never do thing’s like fall on the ground while kicking and screaming. I mean… just pick your flipping kid up already and discipline the thing. Stupid kids. Stupid mom who doesn’t know how to parent as good as I will in about two years from now. Should I give her the copy of the parenting book I have been reading up on?”

7) I didn’t breastfeed

Pre-mom Thoughts: “There is zero excuse not to breastfeed. I don’t care if your baby is allergic to your milk…there is no excuses. Even I can figure it out, and I haven’t had my child yet because I am only five months prego. But I know that I have magic milk and magic-boobs…so..basically..yeah. (Dumb mom who feeds their kid formula…what is that stuff made of anyways? Gross.)”

8) I breastfed

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Oh my word, is that mom breastfeeding in public? When I am a mom, I will NEVER feed my baby in public. I will gladly sit on a toilet in the toilet stall of a nasty bathroom to ensure the public will not be offended. (Dumb mom…why can’t she see that she is super inappropriate right now? I mean, I am only 16 and know what’s modest and what’s not.)”

9) I wore my kid

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Why is that mom wearing her child in that weird contraption thing? The kid is like, two years old. Let your two-year-old learn to be independent already. What a terrible mom. Her kid is going to have some serious dependency issues. I could do so much better for sure and I am only 23 without kids.”

10) I didn’t wear my kids

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Can’t she see that her baby just wants to be nuzzled up next to her chest? When I am a mom in about a year, my child will never go in a stroller. I don’t even care if I register for one, I still won’t. They deserve more in life. What mom would just not wear her baby? Stop whining about your back and hip problems…it’s actually really annoying me. Plus, I am on team baby wearing no matter what (insert hair flip right here).”

11) My kids watch Barney

Pre-Mom Thoughts: I will never let my kids watch Barney. It’s offensive. It’s also says a lot about the parents. I don’t know what exactly…but as a 19-year-old without kids, I know it’s something not good.”

12) I let my kids watch Barney

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “No seriously. I promise. I will never let my kids watch Barney. I don’t care what you other moms say. There is no way that when my future child is two and screaming for the big purple dinosaur, that I will give in. I am just not that kind of future parent. I know exactly what I will do because I am 25 without kids.”

13) I was a working mom

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Why would I go through all the trouble of having a child if I am just going to leave it with a babysitter? What kind of mom does that? Probably the kind of mom that hates being a mom and who shouldn’t have had kids in the first place. I will never be that kind of mom. I don’t care if I have bills to pay. I am embarrassed that we are of the same species. I would rather go in debt than go to work when I am a mom in about one year from now. #mompower”

14) I was a stay at home mom

My Mom Thoughts:” Umm, hello? There is more to life than just being a mom. Doesn’t she know she is capable of working AND being a mom. What a shame. I am embarrassed that we are of the same species. I will never be like that when I am a mom in 4 years. #womenpower”

15) My kids listen to Taylor Swift

Pre- Mom Thoughts: “Oh jeepers, when I am a mom, there is no way I will let my kids listen to artists like Taylor Swift. I don’t care if Taylor Swift isn’t even known yet as a musician because it’s 2001. I still won’t. It talks about boys. Mmm..nope. What kind of parent does that? Eww.”

16) My kids didn’t listen to Taylor Swift

Pre-Mom Thoughts:” I mean, it’s just Taylor Swift? What’s the big deal? When I am a mom, I am going to let my kids listen to artists like Taylor Swift. It’s good for them to be versed in the art of music. I don’t care if it’s only 1995 and she is probably only six years old. I am on team Tay-Tay all the way and my future kids will be too.”

17) I poop checked

Pre-Mom Thoughts: Wait…did she just open his diaper to see if it had poo in it? Are you kidding me? That’s so tacky and weird, and I am slightly offended. When I am a mom in 3.4 years, I will never do that. I would rather be caught dead.”

18) I didn’t poop check

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “I can smell that diaper from here, and it’s been like 5 minutes. Doesn’t she know her kid smells like a trash can? I can’t stand parents that just let their kids sit in their poo because they are chasing after their other one. It’s neglectful, and I won’t stand for it. As a future mom myself, when I have kids in 1.7 years, I will never do that. So-gross.”

19) I counted to 3

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Oh my word, it’s so annoying how she counts to three and gives her kid a chance to make the right decision. No wonder her kid is a spoiled brat. When I am a parent in 3 years, I will never count to three because it tells your kids that they can choose to obey or not. When I am a mom, they will obey me the second I tell them what to do. Should I start teaching parenting classes? I would do it for free. I am a nice person like that.”

20) I didn’t count to 3

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Wow, that mom is mean. I can’t believe she is actually going to put her kids in a time out just because they threw all of their food on the ground in a fit of rage. When I am a mom, I will have way more patience and grace with my kids and make sure I always to count to 3. It’s obvious this parent has some sort of childhood PTSD. They should go to counseling. If I could afford it, I would pay for it for them. But since I am only 16 and work at a bra store for senior citizens and make $7.00 an hour, I can’t.”

21) I got out of the house…without kids

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Wow, that mom must not like her kids if she left them for the weekend to hang with girlfriends. How selfish. Doesn’t she know that she is a mom and should act like a mom and not do things like go on vacation without her kids? When I am a mom in 6 years, there is no way I will leave my kids to do something like that. What a selfish human. Eww.”

22) I didn’t get out of the house with kids

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Oh my word, leave your kids already. Why are they always strapped to your body? Don’t you do anything else with your life besides take care of your kids, clean, work, cook, clean, work, go to the bathroom, cuddle kids, hang with the husband? When I am a mom in 3 years, I am going to make sure that I am not that busy. I will hire a maid to do all of the housework so that I can get out of the house every-single-day without kids. This is not rocket science here. Get out of the house lady. Also, put some freaking lipstick on and brush your hair.”

23) I let myself go

Pre-mom thoughts: “Oh-my-word, Becky, look at her butt, it’s so big. No seriously, it’s really big and obvious that she has completely let herself go after giving birth to ten children. What kind of mom just lets herself go like that? When I am a mom, I will make sure that I work out every single day, eat healthy all the time, and my makeup will be done the second I wake up in the morning. Also, I can’t believe that mom is wearing workout clothes when she is not at the gym. Gross. I will never be like that kind of mom in 4 years. I swear it.”

24) I didn’t let myself go

Pre-mom thoughts: “Whoah, that mom is trying way-to-hard. Doesn’t she know she is a mom? Also, what in the world…does she run a beauty blog? How selfish and self-centered can she be? She must be such a narcissist. Oh my gosh, did she just post a selfie on that facebook-Instagram thingy that doesn’t even exist yet? I don’t care if that’s how she makes a living. I would neeeeevvvvvveeeeer be that kind of mom in 9 years let alone human. Moms should dress and wear their makeup like a mom. When I am a mom, I will act like a mom and only post photos of my kids. Again, ewwwwww. (But do you think she would mind if I direct messaged her on future Facebook and ask how she applies her red lipstick like a pro or what the best Konjac Sponge is…?)”

25) I gave my kids candy

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Did she just give her kid five pieces of candy? Does she know how unhealthy that is and also what a horrible mom she is at the same time? Yuck. When I have kids in 1.5 years, I will give them one treat per week if they are lucky. Man, I got this future parenting thing down (insert self-high-five).”

26) I didn’t give my kids candy

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “This mom needs to chill the heck out and let her kids eat all of the Halloween candy. Doesn’t she know that if she limits their sugar they are going to go crazy as adults and eat candy all the time because they were deprived? It’s pretty sad actually. I feel bad for these kids because their mom is such a stickler. Should I sneak them some candy? When I am a mom in 15 years, I will let my kids eat whatever they want.”

27) My kids ate Organic

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “I am so sick of hearing all of these moms talk about feeding their kids Organic stuff. Don’t they know it’s all just a scheme? When I am a mom in 4.5 years, I am going to be so much smarter than that. How dumb are they.”

28) My kids didn’t eat Organic

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Honestly, it’s so sad to me that these moms are at Chic-fil-a letting their kids eat disgusting things like chicken nuggets. I feel like it’s my duty to educate them on their poor parenting decisions. When I am a mom in 1.75 years, it’s Organic everything all the time. I don’t care if I don’t have the money to do it; I am going to do it anyways.”

29) I was a helicopter mom

Pre-Mom Thoughts: Can’t she just wait to see if her kid cries before running over there like some weirdo to see if they are ok? That poor kid is going to be such a wimp when he/she get’s older. They need to learn to be independent. I don’t care if they are six months old. When I have kids in 6 years, they will learn to take care of themselves. (Moms are so annoying these days. I am going to coin this helicopter parenting.)”

30) I was a free-range mom

Pre-Mom Thoughts: “Wow, I can’t believe that mom just waited to see if her kid cried before rushing over to see they were ok. What a terrible parent. She probably is more into herself than her kids. Look, she is even on her flip phone! Moms of 2002 are so annoying, and when I am a mom in 8 years, I am never going to be like that. (I am coining this free-range parenting….and I will never do it.)”

Now that you know how I have failed at parenting….let me know how you have! Be honest, have you failed this parenting thing according to your pre-parent self? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

xo,
Kendra

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