Makeup Books and Miscarriage

Four years ago I got approached to do a makeup book called 500 Eye Makeup Designs. At the time it felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity that I couldn’t pass up as a makeup artist, beauty blogger so I said yes. At the same time, my husband and I also said yes to moving our family from Portland, OR to Austin, TX to start a church. Our two girls were 3 and barely 1.

I had 6 months to get this book done and while it may seem like a simple thing to do 500 eye makeup designs…trust me, it wasn’t. Between both my husband and I working, creating a book, parenting, packing our house to move, selling our home and finding a new home in Austin, TX…we were really maxed out.

Like really.

if we got pregnant accidentally, it would be the worst thing that could happen right now.

One day we were driving with our daughters and they were screaming in the back. My husband reached over and grabbed my hand and said out of the blue, “if we got pregnant accidentally, it would be the worst thing that could happen right now.”

I mean, not that we wouldn’t be happy if we had a baby, but we were just so maxed out that it would be the something that would have made us fall apart. Obviously I agreed with him and then thought nothing of it because there was no way that would happen.

Until the next day. I started feeling a little funny. My boobs hurt and I started feeling a little sick. So, I called my sister in law and she suggested I get a pregnancy test to be on the safe side. I told her there was no way I could possibly be pregnant. And then I remembered that maybe there was a time. Haha…oops

It was positive. Flaming posative. And I immediately started bawling.

So, I went to the store and got my pregnancy test.

It was positive. Flaming posative. And I immediately started bawling. When I am pregnant I get what’s called hyperemesis. It’s a condition that makes you puke the entire pregnancy. So, I knew that being pregnant while doing a makeup book and moving was going to be extrememly stressful for everyone. It just wasn’t good timing at all and I really thought my husband was going to be so upset.

But then he wasn’t. Because I married an amazing man. When I told him he just held me and told me that we were going to get through this and make it all work. [0.0]

Well fast forward two months later when I was eight or nine weeks pregnant. I was puking constantly, working constantly on the book, packing up our house for our big move and wrapping up the book. I had gotten use to the idea of having a baby and was even starting to imagine this new little one in our lives. We told our family and kids about the pregnancy on Christmas as a surprise. Honestly, we were all finally excited.

And then everything happened.

It was a Monday. My book was due that day and needed to be totally finished. I stayed up until 5 or 6 am finishing it and my first ultrasound appointment was a few hours later at 9:00 a.m. I was exhausted and remember thinking that this all nighter had to be bad for the baby. I only got a few hours of sleep that night. And it was the best few hours of sleep I would have for a long time.

“50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage”

I asked my husband to stay home with the girls as I didn’t want to go to the ultrasound with everyone. I am so glad we did that. I get to the womens clinic and I opened up a magazine and the first thing I read was,”50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage”. Then my name was called to come back. I remember thinking that is a crazy high number as I made my way back to see my baby for the first time.

So, I walk in the back and lay down next to the ultrasound machine. They pull up my shirt, put on the creepy gel, and begin the exam. It was quiet for a few minutes while I watched her measure and check out the baby.

You know, I’ve had ultrasound before and know what a tech usually says and does. Like, “look at how wiggly he/she is.” Or, “theres the heartbeat.” But she said nothing and it was awkward.

This overwhelming feeling of sheer dread washed over me in seconds and I started sobbing uncontrollably.

I started to panic a bit inside and was thinking to myself that I didn’t see a hearbeat. So, I just blurted out “does it have a heartbeat?”

And she said no.

This overwhelming feeling of sheer dread washed over me in seconds and I started sobbing uncontrollably. Of course I understood that these things happen. But when they happen to you it’s an entire different story.

I was in shock.

After the dr. came in and explained what I already knew, I walked out to the car and sat there to breathe and cry in solitude for a moment before I called my husband. When I told Ezra the news, he was a wreck. We met up and cried together…it was a very sobering moment. We thought we were tapped before getting pregnant. Now we had a miscarriage and were greaving on top of still having to do everything we were already doing. This baby that I never got to hold marked me in a million different ways.

After Ezra and I talked, I had to still finish my book and get it submitted that day. I had to put the miscarriage and the grieving in all its beauty and pain aside until the book was finished. So, I plugged along until nearly midnight and somehow got everything wrapped up and submitted into the editor by that day.

I decided to have a natural miscarriage which is mentally brutal and I honestly wouldn’t do it again.

I decided to have a natural miscarriage which is mentally brutal and I honestly wouldn’t do it again. Those two weeks I was an emotional wreck and my book that I just finished after 6 months of hard work was the last thing on my brain. It took about two weeks to miscarry and then I ended up bleeding so much that I landed in the E.R. and nearly needed a blood transfusion. It was all a very traumatic experience that I wouldn’t wish upon any women.

My regret with this unplanned experience was that I was upset about being pregnant and having it inconvenience the production of this book. I really regret that. But the beauty in this is that a little 10 week life changed me forever. I am not the same women I was before. And, while I grieved and still do from time to time…I am stronger on the other side and I empathize with women who have similar experiences like I never could have before.

The honest truth is, my book, 500 Eye Makeup Designs, has become a sort of reminder to me of my miscarriage. I never really got to celebrate it coming out. I don’t say that for you to feel bad for me. Bad things in life happen. But that’s why I don’t talk about it very much.

I am so thankful for all of my blogger friends that promoted my book because it has actually done really well. I don’t think it could have done well without the support of people who cheered me on. I am so thankful.

I want to end this by saying that for those of you who have had similar experiences, I am truly sorry. I know the road is hard and I just want to say that I am with you and wish I could give you a big hug. Please feel free to reach out any time.

xo, 

Kendra Stanton

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